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Posts Tagged ‘Accounting humor’

Today is one of those days.  Today is an accountant’s birthday.  Mine.

The most important task of the day is to replace the battery in my calculators.  I’m an old accounting professor, so not all need batteries:

Like any good accountant, I look in the files to see what I did last year.  Two things:  changed batteries in my calculators and went in for a check up.

With a confident step, I walked into the doctor’s office.  “Hey Doc, do my assets still exceed my liabilities?”

After a quick glance and with a hint of condescension, “No.  You’re too old.”

“No analytic testing?  No work papers?  I want a second opinion.”

“You’re ugly, too.”

When paying my bill, the office manager said, “The Doctor wants me to stress that you shouldn’t use candles on your birthday cake.  This is what happened when another boomer accountant tried it.”

Too many candles

Is it written in the accountant’s handbook that one must always add another year when having a birthday?  This year, I decided to subtract from my previous age instead of adding.  Coincidentally, I have less grey in my hair and a bit less flab around my middle.

Unfortunately, this turned me into a bad accountant.  Sam Antar would call it birthday fraud.  It leads directly to off-balance sheet financing and cooking the books.

Not wanting to get the following card for next year’s birthday,

Accountant juggling numbers.

I quickly started admitting to my correct age.  But I’m not going to tell you what it is.

Debit and credit – – David Albrecht

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It’s Saturday night.  I’m in a somber mood.   GAAP is dying, and there seems nothing better than to get punch drunk and remember all the good times.   So I have broken out a bag of Sun Chips (original flavor) and a can of Diet Coke (caffeinated, of course) and am ready to blog all my troubles away.

Tonight’s subject is limericks.  One does not need a reason to launch into a merry recitation of favorite limericks.  When drinking Diet Cokes and eating Sun chips, one is beyond all reason.

A limerick is a humorous poem that is only sometimes funny.  How fitting!  I’m a sometimes funny accountant.

It is sometimes said that the only good limerick is a dirty limerick.  Who can forget, “There once was a girl from Nantucket,” or “There once was a friar named Tuck.”   Because The Summa is G-rated, there won’t be any good limericks tonight.  But there will be limericks.  I hope you find them humorous.

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Bumper stickers–gotta love em.  Combining wit, humor and sarcasm, they present truth in style.  Remember these all time favorites?

Love Thy Neighbor

Like A Roll of Toilet Paper

Here are some ideas for accounting bumper stickers:

  • Cure insomnia . . . sleep with an accountant
  • It’s accrual world
  • CPA:  I might be certified, but I’m not crazy.
  • I’m not a liability, just look at my assets
  • I love accounting
  • It took an accountant to catch Al Capone.
    Be an accountant with conviction
  • I’m one cute tax deduction
  • Chicks dig accountants
  • Not without my ledger
  • A good accountant is a debit to the profession
  • No, in the red is not a good thing
  • Warning! I have a calculator and know how to use it
  • Are you crying?
    There’s no crying!
    There’s no crying in accounting!
  • Balance this!
  • Audit this!
  • I’m an accountant! Don’t attempt this at home.
  • Not just another pretty deduction
  • Mild mannered CPA by day, sexy dude by night
  • Save a horse, ride an accountant
  • Honest accountant–Numbers don’t lie, people do
  • I’m a 10-key assassin
  • Wear a necktie and release your inner accountant
  • Do not make me use my accountant voice
  • Instant accountant . . . just add coffee
  • Filing single, looking to file jointly
  • Accountants rock
  • Have you hugged an accountant today?
  • Warning:   accountant with an attitude
  • Don’t make me count before my first cup of coffee
  • You mess with accounting, you mess with me
  • I’m an accountant.  I’m really that boring
  • I am the accountant your mom warned you about
  • GAAP clothes
  • Debits go on the window side
  • My spouse is so accrual, he/she doesn’t depreciate me any more.

Care to suggest some others?

Debit and credit – – David Albrecht

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David Letterman is a legend–a late night talk host and comedian.  I think he’s hilarious, but then you can take a look through my web site and see that I am no good judge of humor or jokes.

Letterman visited,  his accountant, and both his accountant and his wife told him to check out:

David Letterman Visits His Accountant

David Letterman Show on October 2, 2008

“Fine, I’ll just have to smother him with a pillow,” says Dave’s witty wife.

What is it with ledges and accountants?  A local TV station in Rhode Island airs a show called Wicked Late.  Troubled by losses from the recent economic collapse, the show’s accountant takes to the ledge.  View it now:

TV Show Accountant Loses All and Jumps from Ledge

Wicked Late TV Show on December 19, 2008

Oh well …

Debit and credit – – David Albrecht

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Bob J. posted a list of financial terms with funny definitions over at AECM.  I did a Google search to find where they came from.  It seems as if the list has grown and evolved over time.  So, I found some additional lists, selected only the best, and added a few of my own.

Here is my version of the list.  Enjoy!

  • Standard and Poor (S&P):  Good times and bad
  • Broker:  Poorer than you were last year.
  • Broker:  What my financial planner has helped me become
  • Brokee:  Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a stock broker.
  • Stock Broker:  End of day market report
  • Bond Broker:  That guy who puts up court money to get you out of jail.
  • Buy High, Sell Low:  Market advice for the little guy
  • Value Investing:   The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • Momentum Investing:  The fine art of buying high and selling low.
  • Bull Market:  A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.
  • Bear Market:  A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  • Bull:  What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
  • Cash Flow:   The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • P/E Ratio:  The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
  • Recession:  A mild downturn in the economy where some friends and neighbors become jobless.
  • Depression:  A mild downturn in the economy when you are jobless along with friends and neighbors.
  • 201/K:  What used to be your 401/K.
  • Poison Pill:  What investors want to take when they see their 201/K balance.
  • Discounted Stock:  A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.
  • Financial Adviser:  Bookie.
  • Hedge Fund:  The money, jewelry, and silver coins you buried in your back yard under the hedge
  • Analyst:  Your proctologist’s trainee.
  • Pension plan:  A plan to keep you working because the market crashed.
  • Economist:  An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
  • Financial Planner  A person whose phone has been disconnected.
  • Social Security:  A federally mandated pyramid scheme.
  • 52-Week Low:  How you feel each new day when you get home.
  • TARP:  What you sleep under after you lost your job, car, and house.
  • Foreclosure:  The time that the stock market stops dropping each day.
  • CEO:  Chief embezzlement officer.
  • CFO:  Chief fraud officer.
  • EBIT:  Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
  • EBITDA:  Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.
  • EPS:  Eventual prison sentence.
  • FRS:  Fantasy reporting standards.
  • IRS:  I’m really sexy
  • Fair Value:  What you give up when you buy stock
  • Unfair Value:  What you receive when you sell stock.

Debit and credit – – David Albrecht

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Never call an accountant a credit to his profession; a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
Sir Charles Lyell , American Accountant, 1797-1875

t-account

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Have you ever heard that a good accountant is a credit to the accounting profession?  I prefer to think that a good accountant is a debit to the accounting profession.

These images are for those needing a smile.   I’m using royalty free images from Broderbund and my own warped sense of humor.  My renditions are not in the public domain.

Over and out – – David Albrecht

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Another long week. These images are for those needing a smile. I’m using royalty free images from Broderbund and my own warped sense of humor. My renditions are not in the public domain.

Over and out – – David Albrecht

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Friday. It’s been a long week.  Maybe these pictures can produce a smile.

I apologize for hitting accounting’s negative stereotypes.  It’s just that the negatives are easier to make appear humorous.  I’m using royalty free images from Broderbund and my own warped sense of humor.   My renditions are not in the public domain.

Next Friday’s post will show accounting advertisements that we probably don’t want to see, such as Rocket CPA and Creative Accountants.

Over and out – – David Albrecht


Actual 2008 Pulitzer Winners and Finalists (there is no category for accounting fiction):

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