Saturday Night Accounting Limericks

It’s Saturday night.  I’m in a somber mood.   GAAP is dying, and there seems nothing better than to get punch drunk and remember all the good times.   So I have broken out a bag of Sun Chips (original flavor) and a can of Diet Coke (caffeinated, of course) and am ready to blog all my troubles away.

Tonight’s subject is limericks.  One does not need a reason to launch into a merry recitation of favorite limericks.  When drinking Diet Cokes and eating Sun chips, one is beyond all reason.

A limerick is a humorous poem that is only sometimes funny.  How fitting!  I’m a sometimes funny accountant.

It is sometimes said that the only good limerick is a dirty limerick.  Who can forget, “There once was a girl from Nantucket,” or “There once was a friar named Tuck.”   Because The Summa is G-rated, there won’t be any good limericks tonight.  But there will be limericks.  I hope you find them humorous.

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Half Full? or Half Empty?

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New Financial Terminology

Bob J. posted a list of financial terms with funny definitions over at AECM.  I did a Google search to find where they came from.  It seems as if the list has grown and evolved over time.  So, I found some additional lists, selected only the best, and added a few of my own.

Here is my version of the list.  Enjoy!

• Standard and Poor (S&P):  Good times and bad
• Broker:  Poorer than you were last year.
• Broker:  What my financial planner has helped me become
• Brokee:  Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a stock broker.
• Stock Broker:  End of day market report
• Bond Broker:  That guy who puts up court money to get you out of jail.
• Buy High, Sell Low:  Market advice for the little guy
• Value Investing:   The art of buying low and selling lower.
• Momentum Investing:  The fine art of buying high and selling low.
• Bull Market:  A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.
• Bear Market:  A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• Bull:  What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
• Cash Flow:   The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• P/E Ratio:  The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• Recession:  A mild downturn in the economy where some friends and neighbors become jobless.
• Depression:  A mild downturn in the economy when you are jobless along with friends and neighbors.
• 201/K:  What used to be your 401/K.
• Poison Pill:  What investors want to take when they see their 201/K balance.
• Discounted Stock:  A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.
• Financial Adviser:  Bookie.
• Hedge Fund:  The money, jewelry, and silver coins you buried in your back yard under the hedge
• Analyst:  Your proctologist’s trainee.
• Pension plan:  A plan to keep you working because the market crashed.
• Economist:  An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
• Financial Planner  A person whose phone has been disconnected.
• Social Security:  A federally mandated pyramid scheme.
• 52-Week Low:  How you feel each new day when you get home.
• TARP:  What you sleep under after you lost your job, car, and house.
• Foreclosure:  The time that the stock market stops dropping each day.
• CEO:  Chief embezzlement officer.
• CFO:  Chief fraud officer.
• EBIT:  Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
• EBITDA:  Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.
• EPS:  Eventual prison sentence.
• FRS:  Fantasy reporting standards.
• IRS:  I’m really sexy
• Fair Value:  What you give up when you buy stock
• Unfair Value:  What you receive when you sell stock.

Debit and credit – – David Albrecht

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Final exam diversions 2008

WhWhether calculus or accounting--grading final exams is a stressul task.

See the sequel–Final exam diversions 2009

Saturday night.  It’s time to grade final exams.  More accurately stated, it’s past time.  Final exams were taken by my students during this most recent week, term papers and projects due the week before.  This year, it seems as if I have it easy, only 91 papers and projects and tests for 130 students (about 800 answers to look over).  At about 30 minutes apiece for test or paper, only 110.5 hours of grading.  And grades are due on Monday morning.

For my colleagues who don’t know how to grade tests, there’s always the stair step method of grading.  Daniel Solove (GW law professor) imortalized it two years ago in A Guide to Grading Exams.  It is an absolute must read.  It reminds me of my first unpublshed paper in which I described the alternative Windy Day Grading Scheme, where  you throw a stack of tests out the second floor window on a windy day (hence the name).  Then go out to look for them.  Any you retrieve pass the course.

For me, grading is all about keeping on task.  During the time it will take to write this blog essay, perhaps I could have graded a half dozen term papers.  But, my mind has slid off topic, like a car spinning doughnuts on a snowy parking lot.  I just can’t do it right now. At times like these (and let’s face it, I always have times like these), I go looking for diversions.

Christmas light display synchronized to music

Tonight’s diversion is looking at decorative Christmas light displays.  Why this particular diversion?  I like both Christmas and music.  Moreover, the creativity displayed is absolutely amazing.  Take a look at these and tell me what you think.  The alltime classic in this genre is the first selection under Wizards in Winter.  The selection for Music Box Dancer is pretty good also.

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No Credit

Never call an accountant a credit to his profession; a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
Sir Charles Lyell , American Accountant, 1797-1875

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Accounting Ads, part 1

Another long week. These images are for those needing a smile. I’m using royalty free images from Broderbund and my own warped sense of humor. My renditions are not in the public domain.

Over and out – – David Albrecht

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Pulitzer for Accounting Fiction

Friday. It’s been a long week.  Maybe these pictures can produce a smile.

I apologize for hitting accounting’s negative stereotypes.  It’s just that the negatives are easier to make appear humorous.  I’m using royalty free images from Broderbund and my own warped sense of humor.   My renditions are not in the public domain.

Next Friday’s post will show accounting advertisements that we probably don’t want to see, such as Rocket CPA and Creative Accountants.

Over and out – – David Albrecht

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Actual 2008 Pulitzer Winners and Finalists (there is no category for accounting fiction):

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No Santa, Tooth Fairy or Sexy Accounting

OK, I intended last week’s article (Sexy Accounting–natural coupling or oxymoron?) to be 90% humorous and10% serious–about fraud auditing–and stand alone.   Little did I know it would need a sequel.

I did some more research.  It turns out that fraud auditors believe their own hype that they are sexy.  At one firm, the staff jokes that I.R.S. means, “I’m really sexy.”  Who else knew that “I’m a fraud auditor” is the uber pick-up line of the millennial generation?  Hmmm, I better get some new business cards printed.  Is The Pretender shooting new episodes?

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Sexy Accounting–natural coupling or oxymoron?

Last year, I needed to energize a class that was letting its tiredness show.  So I tried to pique everyone’s attention by saying, “Accounting can be sexy!”  Students started looking around, not quite sure what to make of me and my comment.  I said, “That’s right.  We’re going to do some sexy accounting!”  My hips started swaying as I danced to some unheard music.  That brought a bit of laughter.

What was I thinking? I had no idea if I could deliver.  So I sent an e-mail to the other accounting professors at AECM, and a couple responses theorized on the characteristics of a sexy accountant.

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A copper penny for your laugh

Do a google search on accounting and (humor or jokes or funnies), and you are bound to get a listing of some really awful stuff.  I’m willing to retell the following, but only to make a point that we accountants aren’t very funny.

• What’s the difference between counting and accounting?  Accounting goes a-one, a-two, a-three, and so forth.
• Did you know there are three types of accountants?  Those that can count, and those that can’t!
• Says one accountant’s wife to her friend, “My husband is so accrual, he doesn’t depreciate me any more.”
• If an accountant’s wife can’t sleep, what does she say to her husband?  “Darling, tell me about your work.”
• How was copper wire invented?  Two accountants were arguing over a penny.

What do you think?  These are the best of the worst jokes ever created.

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